Mass Effect: Problems on the Homefront
by Justanotherghostwriter
Summary: Hey guys! Short story I came up with and will be working on. An epidemic of "foot in mouth" syndrome grips the Normandy. Ridiculousness ensues. Occurs during ME3, somewhere after Rannoch but before Thessia. Please enjoy and R&R! Rated M for language, implied adult content. Mshep/Liara, Garrus/Tali, Joker/EDI.
1. In the Metaphorical Doghouse

**_Day 1_**

"Hey Blue, how's the scratch doing?" James Vega asked Liara while he shoveled mounds of scrambled eggs into his mouth. The mess was unusually quiet for that hour. Only he, Liara, James, Garrus, and Tali occupied the table for breakfast, where the rest of the crew was he had no idea. He liked it like this, a lot more relaxed and he certainly needed some relaxation after that last mission on the Citadel, which had included meeting up with Zaeed who kidnapped the Volus Ambassador.

"Scratch? You wouldn't be referring to the _gunshot_ to the leg I got two days ago, would you Lieutenant?" The asari asked from his right shoulder where she rested her head. Much to the annoyance of the rest of the crew, they had began taking up this position in the mess during meals, and with her legs curled up on the bench they occupied an entire bench instead of just the two seats. Any argument presented to him had been laughed off, being the Commanding Officer certainly had its perks.

"Uh, yeah, that," Vega replied through egg, earning a flick of annoyance from the mandibles on Garrus's face.

"She's fine. She's a cockroach!" He interjected happily, pressing an affection kiss on her crest.

"What's a cockroach?" She asked curiously, fiddling with one of the pockets on his pants, actually tucking it back in, as apparently it was hanging out. She was _always_ fixing his clothes, because like a five-year old, he was always a mess. Or at least that's what she always told him, he thought he looked fine… usually. Thinking about his pocket and not the question, he answered it completely off-hand.

"Oh, they're these big nasty bugs that live on Earth. They're gross," he said, wondering to himself _how_ the pocket was even out in the first place.

His first clue that he made a mistake came when he noticed Vega had stopped inhaling food for a moment and was now staring wide-eyed, glancing from him to Liara. His second clue came from Garrus, who merely mumbled "Spirits." Finally, there was no doubt when Liara sat up and calmly removed his arm, which had been draped over shoulders.

"What, something I said?" He asked, confused as he took a bite of his muffin. He saw Tali shake her head out of the corner of his eyes and mutter something under her breath.

Liara did what she always did when she was upset, she shook her head and pinched the bridge of her nose. "I don't know, Shepard, maybe it was when you called me a ' _big nasty bug'_?"

 _Now_ he saw it.

 _Shit… well I can fix this…just don't shove your foot in your mouth again and you're golden!_

"Shit I'm sorry Liara! I didn't mean it like that!" He explained quickly, well aware that he had quite the audience if this went to hell.

"Oh, really? How _did_ you mean it, Love?" She asked, in that rather unsettling cool voice she used whenever he upset her.

"It was a metaphor! Cockroaches are notoriously tough! They can actually live a week without their heads," he explained, happy to see her face softening. Although beginning to be very annoyed with the three spectators shifting their gazes from him to Liara as they talked.

"Hm, ok, you could have explained that better," she chided him lightly, returning to the position they held before. Her underneath his arm and resting her head on his shoulder, him leaning back happily, and utterly relieved.

 _Bomb diffused. Phew! That was a close one! For a second I thought you would be stuck in that bed alone tonight…_

Utterly relieved, he once again spoke without thinking.

"Heh, I don't know why you would think I said you looked like a giant nasty bug, I mean, we've been sleeping together for like three years…sort of," he said happily, but then in horror he realized what he had actually said.

 _Earlier report was premature. Foot is in fact shoved so far down your throat that it has almost returned to its natural position._

Vega and Tali clearly noticed too, for Vega choked on his breakfast and Tali merely shook her head again. Garrus clearly missed it, as he looked around as if lost.

Once again Liara sat up and removed his arm from her shoulders, before facing him, her face twisted into one of the angriest glares he'd ever received from her. "I must've misheard you, _Commander_. I know you didn't just imply that you only are dating me because of my looks," she stated flatly. Everything about the statement implied the danger he was in, she used his rank, which she only did these days when he said something incredibly stupid, and whenever her voice went flat like that it was the equivalent of the calm waters before a tsunami.

 _Shit… Ok, ok, you can still salvage the situation. You ended the Geth-Quarian conflict with a few words… this is definitely something you can pull off…_

"That's totally not what I meant! You've been in my head… you know how I feel about you!" He said in a panic, although happy with his argument.

 _Yes! Yes that was good! Keep going! You got this!_

She merely raised her eyebrows, and waited for him to finish.

"You're, um, smart, uh, pretty, uh," he fumbled, suddenly at a lost.

 _Eloquent. So eloquent. You are an inspiration to all who may consider the courting of a woman…_

Her eyes began to narrow dangerously as he continued to fumble.

"I, um, er, love you?"

 _WHY? WHY DID YOU ASK IT LIKE A QUESTION!? THAT WAS A STATEMENT! A SERIOUS FUCKING STATEMENT THAT YOU MEANT AND YOU SAID IT AS IF YOU WERE ASKING HER WHAT TOPPINGS SHE WANTED ON THE PIZZA! YOU FUCKING IDIOT!_

In response, she nodded to herself and began to scoot out of the bench. "Hm, I don't know, excuse me," she said calmly.

"Wait, Liara, come on!" He called after her as she began walking away. She didn't even look back as she rounded the corner to head who knows where.

Now he found himself sitting alone, with three pairs of eyes just staring at him. "Shit," he muttered to himself, but the others apparently took that as an invitation to give their two cents.

"Huh Shepard, that was impressive. Truly, I've never seen someone sabotage their own relationship with such efficiency," Garrus said lightly, sipping on some dextro shake.

"Shut up Garrus," he growled grumpily, although he knew he was right.

"You Bosh'tet. I've seen more tact from krogan," Tali said annoyed. He expected that reaction from her, she was Liara's best friend, and like little sister to him. She had a very protective instinct when it came to their relationship. The one he had just torpedoed.

He merely gave a noncommittal grunt and waited for what would _surely_ be the most constructive comment from Vega.

"Hm, maybe you should lay off on metaphors in the future Loco," he said, shoveling the last of his eggs into his mouth.

"Hey, it was a good metaphor! And I like metaphors anyway; I'm not going to just stop using them!" He protested.

"Well, they clearly don't like you," Vega retorted with a snicker.

"Noted," he said grumpily, and slouched into the bench in defeat. He sat there for a moment until he noticed Vega was glancing from him, to the rest of his muffin, and back to himself.

"Uh, seriously?" he asked exasperated.

"What? I'm hungry," the Lieutenant said defensively.

"Fine, take it," he sighed.

"Hm, something tells me Liara won't be doing any of _that_ for a while," Garrus said before breaking into a fit of laughter, earning him a hard elbow to the gut from Tali and a high-five from Vega.

"Ok, new orders, anyone who makes some wise-ass comment about my relationship is getting spaced," he said seriously, but the turian's laughter only intensified at the only partially serious threat.

"Commander, it occurs to me that the method you utilized to drive Doctor T'Soni away could be amplified and applied to the Reapers," EDI's voice interrupted them over the intercom, Joker hysterically laughing in the background, earning renewed laughter from James and Garrus and even a small giggle from Tali.

 _Great, so not only am I in the dog house, but the entire ship knows about it. Not to mention I can't very well space the ship iteslf…_

"That was a-," she began before he cut her off angrily.

"A joke, I know!" He hissed, although he doubted anyone heard him over the laughter.

Finally, after about two minutes straight of everyone laughing at his expense, and him looking pointedly away from them, the uproar died down enough for Tali to speak. "Ok, well I'm going to talk to Liara. She seemed rather upset," Tali said and began to push herself off the bench.

"Wait, shouldn't I go ta-," he began before she interrupted him.

"No, I think you should stay here, and possibly consider not talking ever again," she matter-of-factly, earning renewed snickers from James and Garrus as she walked away.

He put his head down in defeat as Garrus called after her, "See you later when we, um, _check the engines_."

After she was gone, there was finally blissful silence before James broke in. "So Scales, you've been _checking the engines_ , a lot. It's funny, I thought you only knew guns," he said seriously, clearly missing it, a point that EDI saw necessary to correct. Despite the silent and frantic waving by Garrus.

"Weapons Specialist Vakarian is using the phrase ' _check the engines'_ as a euphemism for sexual intercourse. He and Chief Engineer Zorah have been engaging in a sexual liaison since shortly after she arrived on the Normandy," the synthetic voice pointed out calmly, which was contrasted spectacularly by Joker laughing himself hoarse the background.

"Oh, thanks EDI," James said sheepishly, making a point not to look at Garrus.

"Yes, _thank you_ , EDI," Garrus said sarcastically.

"You are quite welcome, Specialist Vakarian and Lieutenant Vega."


	2. There is no Shepard without Vakarian

**_Day 2, "There is no Shepard without Vakarian, After All"_**

Everything was going so well for him over the last couple of days. He was _thoroughly_ enjoying his new relationship with Tali, he got to laugh at Shepard _again_ last night when he ran out of his quarters in the middle of the night. Apparently Liara had used her powers as the Shadow Broker to get an actual cockroach delivered to the Normandy, and had released it into his cabin.

 _I can now die peacefully knowing that Commander Shepard transforms into a little girl at the sight of a bug. I have to remember to not mess with Blue in the future though… That's just a scary amount of resources._

But yes, everything had been going well for him, he even got word two days ago that his family was able to get off Palaven. Hell, the war itself had taken a dramatic turn in the last month. The Reaper advance had been slowed, and they managed to enlist both the Quarian and Geth aid two weeks ago!

 _Spirits we might just win this thing yet…_

He _did_ have one problem however, and right now it was staring him in the face.

 ** _Firing Simulation #842… Complete! Thanix Power Chamber is operating at 99.985% of maximum efficiency._**

 _Damn it! I was sure that would get at least 0.002% more yield!_

He began to run the calculations in his head as ducked under the terminal to check some wiring he suspected he may be able to upgrade.

 _Ok, this one looks good, no, that one looks good too… hm, it looks like the engineers actually did some good work down here… could it be…_ He thought to himself as he checked the wires, interrupted by a voice he wasn't expecting.

"Hm, you spend so much time playing around with that gun… I might be a little jealous," Tali said, suggestively, running a hand down his back.

 _Spirits, how did I not hear her come in?_

"Hm, you're right. I'm breaking up with you for the Thanix Cannon," He teased lightly, still focused on the terminal, although he was pleased to hear a small giggle from behind him.

"Break-up? We're not dating, I am only using you for your body, Mr. Vakarian," she replied lightly, stepping closer as he stood up from the terminal, although still not facing her. Wrapping her arms around his waist, beginning to unhook the seals on his armor.

"What are you doing, I thought we weren't doing this until later?" He said uncertainly, checking the readouts on the screen again.

"Hm, well I was bored and I figured you weren't doing anything," she replied happily, still working her fingers over the seals. She had told him that they were overly complex.

 _Hmm… actually I should try to get this extra .002%... I've been slacking with the calibrations since we started this…thing. This is why I told her later after all._

"Actually, I have to finish these calibrations first, tha-," he began before she interrupted him.

"Garrus, tell me you aren't turning down sex for some ridiculous fraction of a percent of yield from that gun," she said seriously, backing up from him abruptly.

 _Hm, there's definitely a warning in there… but I'm not some piece of meat she can use whenever she wants, she has to know that!_

"This is important work Tali! Those ridiculous fractions of a percent add up!" He said defensively, turning to face her at last, and immediately wishing he hadn't, as her mask was off and the glare she was giving him was thus much more effective.

 _Not to mention she probably went through a lot of work to set this up and I'm kind of throwing it in her face… er- maybe this was a bad idea…_

"Damn it Garrus! In all my time on this ship we have fired that gun _twice_! Meanwhile how many hours have you wasted away _calibrating_ it?" She demanded, crossing her arms and intensifying the glare.

The effect of her glare was immediate, he felt his bones, and his resolve go to pudding, and found himself speechless for a moment. He vaguely remembered something his father told him once a long time ago. _'Son, when you find you have nothing to say it's better to just stay silent. It's when we have nothing to say we say the things we will later regret.'_ He never agreed with his father on much, and had never abided by that lesson. He always spoke his mind, he always argued. It was his nature.

"Well, um, it _did_ take down a Collector ship with those two shots! It doesn't just do that without me calibrating it! Since we started this thing of ours I've had less time to work on it, so I have to do it now," He explained seriously.

 _Ha, take that Dad. A logically sound argument out of nowhere. Thinking on your feet, playing fast and loose with protocol. Being rash works yet again._

"Huh, I've never thought of it like that Garrus," she said sweetly, and paused just long enough for the trumpets to sound his victory in his head before she continued. "I've been _way_ too distracting for you and your gun, I'm _so_ sorry," she continued sweetly, although he caught what she had just implied.

 _Shit. Maybe I could've worded that a bit better…_

"Tali-," he began apologetically before she cut him off.

"No it's ok Garrus! Really! I'll be out of your way from now on, don't worry!" She assured him the same voice before turning heel and stalking out. Leaving him absolute silence… for a moment at least.

"Hey bud, that looked pretty bad, you want to talk about it?" Joker's voice that was _way_ too smug for his liking came over the intercom.

"I've said it once I'll say it again, Shepard really needs to cut your access to the cameras," he said wearily. "I liked it better when we were with Cerberus and you were getting spied on like the rest of us," he added bitterly.

"Oh Garrus, like that would do any good. I'm dating the ships' AI, not to mention I'm in our _way_ too personal group chat. You know, the one that already has the video uploaded to it?" He said with a chuckle.

Frowning he opened his omni-tool and the group chat.

 **Group Chat: "Normandy- SR-2 (2)"**

 **Joker4ever has posted video "FleetnFlotilla Gone Bad"**

 **Zorah92- I hate you Joker. Seriously it's been like a minute since that even happened!**

 **Liara- Don't worry Tali, I'm not going to watch it.**

 **Zorah92- Thanks.**

 **JVega- Two things: 1. Scales…really? 2. First time I've seen a Quarian without a mask, you should work that look more often Sparks!**

 **Vegasmells- Really? That's like… insanely insulting… not that I'm at all surprised with Lieutenant Meathead here.**

 **Zorah92- Don't worry Cortez, it's fine.**

 **JVega- See? Sparks has a sense of humor at least.**

 **Shepard45- Just to interject, Garrus I'm glad you're willing to follow me anywhere but following me to the doghouse wasn't really necessary haha.**

 **Liara- I'm glad you think it's a joke.**

 **Shepard45- Oh come on! Really? You're mad about this now too?**

 **Liara- Oh I'm not mad about anything, dear.**

 **JVega- Huh, that turned pretty quickly, bet you didn't see that one coming CMDR.**

 **Shepard45- I'm not saying anything anymore… Apparently jokes aren't allowed…on MY ship no less…**

 **Zorah92- Probably a good idea Shep.**

 **Liara- The best he's had in a few days.**

 **Shepard45- Really? You just had to chime in again? I GET IT! Jeez… You're quickly on your way to replacing Javik as the most unpleasant person on the ship right now!**

 **Javik- Stupid Primitives. This is perhaps the most useless piece of primitive technology I've yet experienced.**

 **Vegasmells- And the champ swoops in to defend his title! The crowd goes wild.**

 **Liara- Hm… you really have a way of showing the 'love?'**

 **Shepard45- Not in the mood for the bullshit Liara. I didn't get much sleep, I mean less than usual because there was a cockroach on my bed.**

 **Joker4ever- Still think that has to be up for joke of the month. EDI says that it was both 'Well timed and very inventive'.**

 **Liara- Thank you Joker, and EDI. I try.**

 **Zorah92- Don't thank them! They posted that stupid video!**

 **Liara- I mean- it wasn't that bad for you. That one part where you hugged him from behind was actually pretty sweet!**

 **Zorah92- I thought you said you didn't watch it…**

 **Liara has disconnected from the group chat.**

 **Shepard45- Ha!**

 **Zorah92- Ugh. I hate all of you now.**

 **Zorah92 has disconnected from the group chat.**

 **Shepard45- On that note I have some important stuff to do. Like checking my room to make sure there aren't any more cockroaches. I guess that's some of the benefits of being in a relationship with the Shadow Broker hm?**

 **Joker4ever- I thought the benefits were when you're not fighting she literally 'blows your mind'?**

 **Shepard45- Hm... I guess there are pros and cons.**

 **Shepard45 has disconnected from the group chat.**

 **Joker4ever- Hm, and then there were three. Where's Alenko? He probably should have made some obnoxiously neutral comment by now.**

 **JVega- Or some thinly veiled flirtatious comments aimed at the CMDR?**

 **Joker4ever- Ha!**

 **KAlenko- Really? This again?**

 **Joker4ever- Nah, I actually have stuff to do too, although while I'm on the subject I really think you should embrace your new found sexuality.**

 **KAlenko- I've said it like ten times! That was a onetime thing, I've never felt that way about any other man!**

 **Joker4ever- Right…**

 **Joker4ever has disconnected from the group chat.**

 **KAlenko- Ugh, whatever.**

 **KAlenko has disconnected from the group chat.**

 **JVega- So… Esteban what's up?**

 **Vegasmells- I can see you Vega. We don't need to talk in the group chat.**

 **Vegasmells has disconnected from the group chat.**

 **JVega- Right… uh, see you Javik!**

 **JVega has disconnected from the group chat.**

 **Javik- Stupid primitives.**

Garrus merely scowled at the omni-tool before shutting it again. Turning back to the console to continue to work on the calibrations.

 _Well, I gave up sex not once but for the foreseeable future to do this so I guess I should at least do it… and I'm certainly not walking around the ship after reading that… damn it! Sorry I doubted you Dad…_


End file.
